The Ban List

“Foods” not allowed in my household.


The following ingredients are not allowed in my household and certainly not in my cooking:

  • Animal By-Products. This especially pertains to gelatin and lard because both of those make me want to gag. Check your medicine cabinet. Gelatin is sneaky and likes to make its way in there, too.
  • Boxed Cake Mix. It’s cheating.
  • Granola. The least healthy health food ever.
  • Gourmet/Specialty Foods. I eat like the peasant that I am. Always remember what a basal activity eating is, no matter how much you try and dress up the process.
  • High Fructose Corn Syrup. Thanks government subsidies for encouraging the overuse of this filth.
  • Junk Food. If I really want a cookie, I will make it myself.
  • Meat or Fish. I happen to prefer not ingesting intestinal flukes and heavy metals. My cutting board also supports this decision.
  • Milk.
  • Most Cereals.
  • Organic Food. Needlessly expensive. I also prefer better living through science to health food hysteria.
  • Pasta. This will make you fat in a hurry.
  • Soda. If I need another addictive and expensive habit, I’ll take up tabletop gaming.

External Content: Bread Recipes

200-250 calories

Good, simple bread recipes:

(Just substitute the milk for almond, cashew, or soy.  Works exactly the same.)

One serving from each of these recipes will set you back about 225 calories for the loaves and 188 calories for the naan.

Heavy Meals: Pizza

785 calories


Makes three pizzas. Serves two people. Preparation time about one hour.

Approximately 785 calories per serving.


  • Baking Tray, Spatula, Pizza Cutter, Cutting Board, Knife, Oven
    + Utensils: 0 calories.
  • Pizza Crusts
    + 3 Flat Out Thin Crusts: 120 calories per piece. (There are six in a package.)
  • 1 Jar Pizza Sauce
    + Ragu Traditional Pizza Sauce: 270 calories per jar.
  • Vegetarian Pepperoni
    + Yves Vegetarian Cuisine Pepperoni: 160 calories per 1/2 packet.
  • 1 Package Vegetarian Cheese Shreds
    + Daiya Mozzarella or Pepper Jack: 360 calories per 1/2 packet.
    + Go Veggie Vegetarian Mozzarella Shreds: 210 calories per 1/2 packet. (Contains dairy by-products.)
  • Assorted Vegetables
    + Green Bell Pepper
    + Onion
    + Jalapeno Peppers
    + Black Olives
    Total Vegetable Calories: ~25-35.
  • Spices
    + Italian Seasoning
    + Red Pepper Flakes
    + Garlic Powder
  • Sauces
    Recommended Hot Sauce Options: Tabasco Original, Henry’s African Fatali Hot Sauce, Bowman Brother’s Bourbon Hot Sauce.


Step 1. Dice vegetables. Do not use too many or the pizza will become soggy.

Step 2. Assemble pizza ingredients in the following order: baking tray, crust, sauce, cheese, pepperoni, vegetables.

Step 3. Insert pizza into oven at 350-375 degrees F for about 20 minutes.

Step 4. Remove pizza from oven when cheese is melted, vegetables appear dehydrated and crust is crisp.

Step 5. Partition pizza into manageable slices.

Step 7. Add seasonings and hot sauce to taste.

8. Eat pizza. Use a knife and spork like a civilized person.


(Recipe Variant: The Pita-za)
If you don’t have much time, but still really want a pizza, spread pizza toppings on a piece of pita bread and microwave.

Heavy Meals: Stromboli

1100 calories

Serves two or three humans. Preparation time approximately one hour (not including defrosting the pizza dough).

Half of the stromboli is approximately 1100 calories. Don’t eat it all in one sitting.


  • Baking Tray, Spatula, Cutting Board, Knife, Oven
  • Pizza Dough
    + Giant Pizza Dough Ball: 520 calories for 1/2 ball.
  • 1/2 Jar Pizza Sauce
    + Ragu Traditional Pizza Sauce: 135 calories for 1/2 a jar.
  • 1 Package Vegetarian Cheese Shreds
    + Daiya Mozzarella or Pepper Jack: 360 calories per 1/2 packet.
    + Go Veggie Vegetarian Mozzarella Shreds: 210 calories per 1/2 packet. (Contains dairy by-products.)
  • 1 Package Vegetarian Pepperoni
    + Yves Veggie Cuisine Pepperoni: 160 calories per 1/2 packet.
  • 1 Package Vegetarian Ham
    + Yves Veggie Cuisine Ham: 70 calories for 4 slices.
  • 1 Package Vegetarian Salami
    + Yves Veggie Cuisine Salami: 80 calories for 5 slices.
  • Assorted Vegetables: Green Bell Pepper, Onion, Jalapeno Peppers, or Black Olives

Note: Just use a few of these if you don’t want a soggy mess. Calories: considering how many calories you’re eating in bread, I wouldn’t bother calculating this.

  • Spices (Italian Seasoning, Red Pepper Flakes, Garlic Powder)
  • Sauces

Recommended Hot Sauce Options: Tabasco Original, Henry’s African Fatali Hot Sauce, Bowman Brother’s Bourbon Hot Sauce.


Step 1. Defrost pizza dough (or make your own).

Step 2. Stretch pizza dough until it is about 12×12 inches. Place onto baking tray.

Step 3. Glob a layer of pizza sauce onto one side of the sheet of dough.

Step 4. Add a layer of vegan ham to add structural integrity.

Step 5. Apply cheese, other meat ingredients, and sauce in alternating layers until most of the packages of ingredients are used up.

Step 6. Vegetables go on top of the meat and cheese pile.

Step 7. Add red pepper flakes.

Step 8. Take other half of dough sheet and fold it over to make a giant pocket. Seal the edges well by pinching the dough together. Any weaknesses will result in leakage.

Step 9. Score the top of the stromboli with a sharp knife.

Step 10. Sprinkle Italian seasoning on top.

Step 11. Bake at 365 degree F for about half an hour.

Step 12. Remove from oven and slice into six pieces.

Step 13. Serve with hot sauce and garlic powder.

Step 14. Enter food coma.

Use less dough (as seen here) for a lower-calorie version.

Heavy Meals: Stir Fry Tofu

375 calories

Serves two people. Preparation time approximately one hour.

Approximately 375 calories per serving (without rice).


  • Wok, Pot, Spatula, Knife
    Note: Pot only required if cooking rice.
  • 1 Package Tofu, Firm or Extra Firm
    Note: Calories are brand-dependent.
    + Nasoya Organic Extra-Firm Tofu: 187 calories per 1/2 package.
    + Wegman’s Extra-Firm Tofu: 200 calories per 1/2 package.
    + Pulmone Organic Firm Tofu: 210 calories per 1/2 package.
    + Trader Joe’s Extra Firm Tofu: 245 calories per 1/2 package.
  • Vegetable Options
    + 1/2-1 Green Bell Pepper: 10 calories
    + 1/2- 1 Onion: 40 calories per 100 g.
    + 1 Jalapeno Pepper: 4 calories.
    + 1-2 Cups Snow Peas: 26 calories.
    + 1 Cup Bean Sprouts: 8 calories.
    + 6 Oz Wood Ear Mushrooms 36 calories:
    + A Few Heads of Baby Bok Choy: 9 calories per cup.
  • 1-2 Tbsp Minced Garlic
    + Minced Garlic: 5 calories per tbsp.
  • 1 Tbsp Vegetable Oil
    + Canola Oil: 120 calories per tbsp.
  • 3-5 Tbsp Teriyaki Sauce
    Note: Low-sodium versions suck and don’t cook the tofu properly.
    + La Choy Teriyaki Sauce: 10 calories per tbsp.
    + Kikoman Teriyaki Sauce: 15 calories per tbsp.
    – 1 Tbsp Black Bean or Black Pepper Sauce
    + Lee Kum Lee Black Pepper Sauce: 25 calories per tbsp.
  • Spices
    + Red Pepper Flakes
  • (Optional) White, Medium-Grain Rice
    + White Rice: 242 calories per cup.
    Note: Substitute with tofu shiritaki noodles (20 calories per package) or seaweed noodles (25 calories per 100 grams) for fewer calories.
  • (Optional) Chili Garlic Sauce or Sriracha


Step 1. Start cooking the rice or, if using noodles, rinse noodles well and place them into a bowl.

Step 2. Drain the tofu and then cube into pieces about 1×1 inches.

Step 3. Pour oil into wok and turn stove to medium-high heat. Place the tofu cubes in the pan. Add a splash of teriyaki sauce.

Step 4. Roughly chop vegetables and set aside. Vegetable combos that work well are green pepper and onions or wood ear mushrooms and bok choy.

Step 5. Flip tofu cubes occasionally, but not too often or they will break. Ideally they should have a crust on all sides. Add teriyaki sauce if they begin sticking to the pan.

Step 6. Add minced garlic and red pepper flakes.

Step 7. Remove tofu from the pan and add to bowl.

Step 8. Place vegetables into the wok while pan is still hot. Do not add more oil, but add another tbsp of teriyaki sauce and black pepper sauce. Add more minced garlic and red pepper flakes.

Step 9. Fry vegetables until they are tender but still a little crunchy.

Step 10. Serve with chili garlic sauce or Sriracha (5 calories per tsp) for extra heat and flavor.


Heavy Meals: Burritos

530 calories

Serves one person. Preparation time approximately ten minutes.

One serving is about 530 calories.


  • Bowl, Cutting Board, Knife
  • Ground Soy Meat
    + Gimmie Lean Vegetarian Ground Beef: 122 calories per 1/4 container.
    + Don’t Have a Cow Meatless Beef Style Crumbles: 146 calories per 1/4 container.
    + Trader Joe’s Soy Chorizo: 175 calories per 1/4 container.
  • 2 Tortillas
    + Trader Joe’s Habanero Lime Tortillas: 150 calories each.
  • Vegetables
    + 1/2 Green Bell Pepper: 5 calories.
    + 1/2 Jalapeno Pepper: 0 calories.
    + 1 Cup Lettuce, Shredded: 16 calories.
    + 1 Cup Onion: 46 calories.
    + 1 Small Tomato: 26 calories.
  • Sauces/Dressings
    + Salsa: 36 calories per 100 grams.
    + Recommended Sauce Options: Bowman Brother’s Bourbon Hot Sauce, Tabasco Original, Salad Dressing.
  • Spices
    + Sazon Goya y Achote
    Note: High in sodium so don’t go nuts with this.  One envelope per package of ground meat.


Step 1. Set the table.

Step 2. Add sazon to the vegan ground beef and nuke it.

Step 3. Dice the vegetables.

Step 4. Assemble a burrito.

Step 5. Put the burrito in your face.