Baking: ‘Murican Chocolate Chip Cookies

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My aunt texted over a recipe to help me Make America Great Again. I’m not sure how baking cookies is supposed to do that but, ya know, details amirite?

If you make these without nuts, the nutrition facts are as follows for 1/24 of the recipe: 247 calories, 33g carbs, 13g fat, 2g protein, 124mg sodium, and 23g sugar.

Calories in the whole batch: 5,939. God help you if you add nuts.

Heavy Meals: The ProFit’s Vegan Chez Sticks

1,865 calories

The ProFit (read: my brother), being the more adventurous member of Team Sisface, likes to experiment with new foods. Generally, they involve lots of you-know-what.

That’s bread, for those of you who aren’t regular visitors (read: everyone, because I scream eternally into the endless void of the Internet to no one in particular, yet no one hears).

But, enough tangents. The ProFit decided to try something new today: vegan cheese sticks. He once worked at a Little Caesars for a minute before he was fired for being irreverent or something, so he figured he could easily whip up a batch. Of course, I was too busy tabulating the calories to actually try one, but he said they turned out well.

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Ignore the crumpled up napkin.

Nutrition

Calories:

560 for the cheese + 1040 in dough + 100 for extra flour + ~25 for toppings + 140 worth of sauce.

Grand Total: 1,865

Makes 5 cheese sticks.

Ingredients

For these, you’ll need the following: 1 block of soy mozzarella, a ball of pizza dough, vegan Parmesan, garlic powder, and some pizza sauce for dipping.

Except for the toppings, he used all Tactical Joe (Trader Joe’s) brand products.

Preparation

Step 1. Take your blob of dough and stretch it out into a large rectangle onto a greased baking sheet. The dough we got from Tactical Joe’s was messed up for some reason, so I added a few spoonfuls of flour to it to make it less of a sticky mess. It wouldn’t stretch properly, either, so I used a rolling pin to try and flatten it somewhat. (You know, my perfect bread dough never has this problem.)

Step 2. Cut the soy cheese into slices and arrange into 5 vertical lines half the width of the dough.

Step 3. Fold the un-cheesed side over and press down to make pockets. Seal them well. He used the whole block of cheese. Don’t do this. The excess molten cheese bubbled out onto the pan.

Step 4. Use a fork to create perforations between each cheese stick. Sprinkle with the vegan Parmesan and garlic powder.

Step 5. Bake in the oven at 350 degrees F until lightly browned. Allow to cool before cutting them into sticks. Serve with pizza sauce.

Baking: Spritz Butter Cookies

65 calories

Serving size depends upon cookie size. Preparation time about 25 minutes

Approximately 63 calories for 1/84 of the recipe. Calories if you eat the whole batch: 5,256.

Additional Nutritional Information (Per Serving)
Carbs 6g, Fat 4g, Protein 1g, Sodium 5mg, Sugar 1g

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My aunt makes tastier cookies than I do (see above), but my taste in guns is better.

Materials

  • Mixing Bowls, Measuring Cups/Spoons, Fork, Hand-Mixer, Spritz Press (Optional), Cookie Tray, Oven, Wax Paper (Optional)
  • 4 Sticks Butter or Margarine
    + 32 Tbsp butter: 3,200 calories. Don’t eat sticks of butter, folks.
  • 1 Cup Sugar
    + White Sugar: 320 calories per cup.
  • 1 Tsp Baking Powder
  • 1 Egg (Supposedly optional, I haven’t tried. You can also try using egg replacer.)
  • 1-1/2 to 2+ Tsp Vanilla Extract (24 calories for 2 Tsp)
  • 1/4 Tsp Almond Extract (Optional)
  • 4 Cups All-Purpose Flour
    + Great Value All-Purpose Flour: 1,600 calories for 4 cups.

Preparation

Step 1. Beat butter in a mixing bowl with a hand-mixer on medium to high speed for 30 seconds.

Step 2.  Add sugar and baking powder. Beat until combined.

Step 3. Beat in the egg/egg replacer and vanilla extract until combined.

Step 4. Start adding flour and beat in as much as you can. Anything that your hand-mixer can’t deal with, mix in by hand.

Step 5. If you have a spritz press, load the unchilled dough into it and drop the cookies onto an ungreased cookie sheet. If you’re ghetto like me, just roll them into balls and flatten them.

Step 6. Bake at 375 degrees F for 8 to 10 minutes, or until edges are firm (not brown).

Step 7. Transfer onto a cooling rack (or onto a dish cloth). If you want to frost them, use a powdered sugar icing.

Variants

Chocolate Spritz: Replace about 1/2 cup of flour with an equal amount of unsweetened cocoa powder.

Nutty Spritz: Reduce sugar from base recipe to 2/3 cup and reduce flour by about 1/4 cup. Stir in finely-ground toasted almonds or hazelnuts after you mix in the flour.