Miscellanea: The Xmas Pasta

Merry January

What do you do with that tub of Tofutti ricotta cheese you bought, hated, but can’t throw away because it’s technically “edible” and you’re broke; and that bag of Christmas pasta that a friend gave you for the holidays that you feel increasingly anxious to eat because it seems somehow wrong to eat things shaped like Xmas trees when the stores are now pink with Valentines Day offerings and you’re really weird about food like that?

I really need to stop over-thinking everything.

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The problem with Xmas pasta is that, by the time you get around to eating it, it’s almost February.

I do have a solution, and it isn’t addressing any underlying psychological issues: Xmas pasta alfredo with sauteed zucchini!  The ProFit came up with the idea.  He dumped a metric ton of Go Veggie Parmesan into the mix to mask the paint thinner-esque Tofutti flavor.  The clumpy sauce wasn’t pretty, but it tasted way better than it had any right to taste. Like, it was really freaken good.

My brother is the King of Bachelor Cooking.  I know this because he once ate a bowl of flour/water paste, just because he had leftover flour and didn’t know what else to do with it.

Miscellanea: The Wall

But, who’s gonna pay for it?

A while back, I said you should only ever make something as expensive as blonde brownies if The Donald Himself is coming to town.

What’s that you say?  He won the election?  In that case, I better keep my promise.  Let no one say I’m not a man of my word.

Since this is the day of Trump’s inauguration as God Emperor, I present you with something sweet to balance out the post-election saltiness: a wall of blonde brownies to commemorate the occasion:

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Ten feet higher!

President Trump, as a concerned citizen, I demand that you have the White House redecorated.  I really think it needs to be the Gold House.

Also, abolish the TSA.

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What these really need is some edible gold leaf gilding.

And by the way, these brownies are incredible.  Tremendous.  Make a batch.  They’re gonna be great, they’re gonna be classy, they’re gonna be beautiful.  I’ve eaten many, many brownies and, you know–these are great brownies, believe me.

Get the recipe.

Baking: Filled Jalapeño & Cheez Pretzels

400 calories

Not much to say about this one.  I’m experiencing some of the worst back pain of my life right now.  I thought another baking experiment that got me up and moving might help.  The answer is no, it did not help, and I’m currently on the floor trying to straighten my back out.  Also, I ran out of pretzel salt and didn’t realize it until I was already making the dough.

Anyway, I refer you back to this pretzel recipe, with the following modifications:

  • When you go to roll the pretzels into tubes, flatten them.  Add a little thinly-sliced vegan cheese and then fold the dough over horizontally.  Roll them back up into cylinders, ensuring they’re well-sealed.
  • Add vegan cheese (preferably shredded) and pickled jalapeños as toppings.
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A Swiss Army Knife is The Ultimate Weapon

I know they’re sloppy.  I was so distracted I didn’t turn the oven heat high enough.  Then at some point I just said screw it and made this thing.

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I present to you: The Pretzel Turd

My back is seriously wrecked.  It feels as twisted as a…well, a pretzel.

Heavy Meals: “Chicken” Scallopini

600 calories

Brands that produce processed vegan food keep releasing new products at a rate that absolutely astounds me.  When I gave up eating meat a decade ago, my options were so limited compared to what’s available today.  Now the market is probably over-saturated with choices.

What’s odd is that many of these companies keep releasing new products at a super-high price point, despite the fact there are plenty of vegetarian products competing at a lower range.  Maybe the economics make sense at the corporate level, but it seems like a lot of these new products vanish just as soon as they pop up–which seems to suggest they are overcharging for them.

In any case, today the ProFit and I tried Gardein’s Chick’n Scallopini. Definitely a nice, quick dish to make.

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Serving Suggestion: To make these, just saute for a few minutes in a little canola oil.  Drizzle them with lemon juice, then add Italian seasoning and capers.  The side dish worked really well with the fillets: canned Italian-style stewed tomatoes and a stalk of celery.

Yes, there is a strand of animal fur on that bottom piece.  Typical experience when you cook around cat friends.

Calories: Approximately 600 calories for everything depicted here, firearm and cat hair included.