Potatoes. They have calories. Specifically, one Idaho potato (438 g) has about 110. Cauliflower has calories too, at about 25 per 100 g. Both can be mashed.
To make cauliflower mashed potatoes, you need a pot, a bowl, and a blender (or an arm). Boil a head’s worth of cauliflower florets in a big pot of water until they are mushy. Take them out and put them in the blender with a tablespoon of canola oil (120 calories) and some black pepper. Or, if you’re like me (cheap and hate owning appliances), just toss the boiled florets in a bowl and squish them yourself.
I usually don’t add the oil. A few times I added mineral oil (0 calories) instead of vegetable oil because the human body cannot digest mineral oil and also because I’m crazy.
That’s all there is to it. By the way, don’t use mineral oil. Bad things will happen.
Another classic gourmet recipe. Serves one person. Preparation time approximately fifteen minutes.
About 550 calories for two burgers.
Cutting Board, Skillet or Microwave, Spatula, Knife
2 Hamburger Buns
+ Wegmans White Hamburger Buns: 130 calories per bun.
When I worked in a certain restaurant, we offered “multi-grain” as a “healthier” alternative to normal bread to customers requesting whole wheat. The multi-grain had more calories. Whole wheat is for lying liars. Do you want to be a liar?
+ Arnold Sandwich Thins: 100 calories per bun.
2 Veggie Burger Patties
+ Boca Veggie Burgers: 70 calories each. Buy the vegan ones if you don’t eat eggs.
+ Nature’s Promise Chipotle Black Bean Vegetable Burger: 130 calories per patty.
2 Slices Vegetarian Cheese
+ Go Veggie American Cheese: 40 calories per slice.
+ Daiya Cheese Slices: 70 calories per slice.
+ Lettuce: 8 calories per cup.
+ Tomato: 12 calories for 4 slices.
+ Onion: 20 calories for 50 g.
+ La Choy Teriyaki Sauce: 10 calories per tbsp.
+ Horseradish Mustard: 30 calories for 10 tsp.
Step 1. Microwave the veggie patties. If you are feeling frisky, you can cook them in a skillet with some Teriyaki sauce and black pepper on both sides to de-blandify them. Try to get a light char going.
Step 2. Slice the vegetables thinly so that eating the sandwich doesn’t require unhinging your jaw.
Serves one person. Preparation time about fifteen minutes.
Approximately 430 calories per serving.
Bowl, Cutting Board, Knife, Microwave
3 Taco Shells
+ Ortega Hard Shell Taco: 180 calories for 3 shells.
~3/4 Cup Vegan Beef
+ Wegman’s Don’t Have a Cow Meatless Beef-Style Crumbles: 130 calories per 3/4 cup.
+ Lightlife Gimmie Lean Vegetarian Ground Beef: 105 calories per 3 oz.
+ Lettuce: 8 calories for 85 g.
+ Onion: 20 calories for 50 g.
+ Tomato: 12 calories for 15 g.
You could also use salsa, obviously, if you like paying 5 bucks for vegetables that cost like 2 dollars a lb.
Step 1. Add ground soy meat to a bowl. Stir in the Sazon and microwave.
Step 2. Dice vegetables. Add to a separate bowl.
Step 3. Take taco shells out of the box. Or don’t. I haven’t tried using cardboard as a taco shell, but it would surely have less calories.
Step 4. No one actually needs instructions on how to assemble a taco. If you’re really confused, look at the picture on the box of taco shells (assuming you didn’t eat it) and make the taco look like that.