Light Meals: Chili Dogs

380 calories

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Do not, under any circumstances, ever, EVER Google “Sonic the Hedgehog chili dog.”  What is wrong with you people?

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The Contender has a new bull barrel with silhouette sights.

Serves one person.  Preparation time about five minutes.

Approximately 380 patriotic calories per serving.

Materials

  • Bowl, Microwave, Can Opener, Paper Plate
  • 1 Hot Dog Bun
    + Generic White Bun: 110 calories each.
  • 1 Vegan Hot Dog
    + Yves Meatless Vegan Hot Dog: 50 calories each.
  • 1/2 Cup Vegan Chili
    + Amy’s Vegetarian Chili: 140 calories per 1/2 cup.
  • 2 Slices Vegetarian American Cheese
    + Go Veggie American Cheese: 40 calories per slice.
    American cheese is required. I don’t care how bad it tastes. #Trump2016

Preparation

Step 1. Microwave the vegan hot dog for about 45 seconds.

Step 2. Microwave the vegetarian chili for about 45 seconds.

Step 3. Put the vegan hot dog in the hot dog bun.

Step 4. Dump the chili sauce on top of it and add the cheese.

Step 5. Serve the sloppy mess on a paper plate and feel bad about yourself as you try and force it down your gullet.

I hate hot dogs. And Sonic.

Side Dish: Cauliflower Mashed “Potatoes”

125-250 calories

Potatoes.  They have calories.  Specifically, one Idaho potato (438 g) has about 110.  Cauliflower has calories too, at about 25 per 100 g.  Both can be mashed.

To make cauliflower mashed potatoes, you need a pot, a bowl, and a blender (or an arm).  Boil a head’s worth of cauliflower florets in a big pot of water until they are mushy.  Take them out and put them in the blender with a tablespoon of canola oil (120 calories) and some black pepper.  Or, if you’re like me (cheap and hate owning appliances), just toss the boiled florets in a bowl and squish them yourself.

I usually don’t add the oil.  A few times I added mineral oil (0 calories) instead of vegetable oil because the human body cannot digest mineral oil and also because I’m crazy.

That’s all there is to it.  By the way, don’t use mineral oil.  Bad things will happen.

Light Meals: Burgers

550 calories

Another classic gourmet recipe.  Serves one person.  Preparation time approximately fifteen minutes.

About 550 calories for two burgers.

Materials

  • Cutting Board, Skillet or Microwave, Spatula, Knife
  • 2 Hamburger Buns
    + Wegmans White Hamburger Buns: 130 calories per bun.
    When I worked in a certain restaurant, we offered “multi-grain” as a “healthier” alternative to normal bread to customers requesting whole wheat. The multi-grain had more calories. Whole wheat is for lying liars. Do you want to be a liar?
    + Arnold Sandwich Thins: 100 calories per bun.
  • 2 Veggie Burger Patties
    + Boca Veggie Burgers: 70 calories each. Buy the vegan ones if you don’t eat eggs.
    + Nature’s Promise Chipotle Black Bean Vegetable Burger: 130 calories per patty.
  • 2 Slices Vegetarian Cheese
    + Go Veggie American Cheese: 40 calories per slice.
    + Daiya Cheese Slices: 70 calories per slice.
  • Vegetables
    + Lettuce: 8 calories per cup.
    + Tomato: 12 calories for 4 slices.
    + Onion: 20 calories for 50 g.
  • Condiments
    + La Choy Teriyaki Sauce: 10 calories per tbsp.
    + Horseradish Mustard: 30 calories for 10 tsp.

Preparation

Step 1. Microwave the veggie patties. If you are feeling frisky, you can cook them in a skillet with some Teriyaki sauce and black pepper on both sides to de-blandify them. Try to get a light char going.

Step 2. Slice the vegetables thinly so that eating the sandwich doesn’t require unhinging your jaw.

Step 3. Assemble sandwich.

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Light Meals: Tacos

430 calories

Serves one person.  Preparation time about fifteen minutes.

Approximately 430 calories per serving.

Materials

  • Bowl, Cutting Board, Knife, Microwave
  • 3 Taco Shells
    + Ortega Hard Shell Taco: 180 calories for 3 shells.
  • ~3/4 Cup Vegan Beef
    + Wegman’s Don’t Have a Cow Meatless Beef-Style Crumbles: 130 calories per 3/4 cup.
    + Lightlife Gimmie Lean Vegetarian Ground Beef: 105 calories per 3 oz.
  • Vegetables
    + Lettuce: 8 calories for 85 g.
    + Onion: 20 calories for 50 g.
    + Tomato: 12 calories for 15 g.
    You could also use salsa, obviously, if you like paying 5 bucks for vegetables that cost like 2 dollars a lb.
  • Condiments
    + Daiya Cheddar Flavored Shreds: 45 calories for 2 Tbsp.
    + Ortega Taco Sauce: 20 calories for 2 Tbsp.
    + Vegan Gormet Vegan Sour Cream: 50 calories for 2 Tbsp.
  • Spices
    + Sazon Goya con Culantro y Achote.

Preparation

Step 1. Add ground soy meat to a bowl. Stir in the Sazon and microwave.

Step 2. Dice vegetables. Add to a separate bowl.

Step 3. Take taco shells out of the box. Or don’t. I haven’t tried using cardboard as a taco shell, but it would surely have less calories.

Step 4. No one actually needs instructions on how to assemble a taco. If you’re really confused, look at the picture on the box of taco shells (assuming you didn’t eat it) and make the taco look like that.

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The Ban List

“Foods” not allowed in my household.

The following ingredients are not allowed in my household and certainly not in my cooking:

  • Animal By-Products. This especially pertains to gelatin and lard because both of those make me want to gag. Check your medicine cabinet. Gelatin is sneaky and likes to make its way in there, too.
  • Boxed Cake Mix. It’s cheating.
  • Granola. The least healthy health food ever.
  • Gourmet/Specialty Foods. I eat like the peasant that I am. Always remember what a basal activity eating is, no matter how much you try and dress up the process.
  • High Fructose Corn Syrup. Thanks government subsidies for encouraging the overuse of this filth.
  • Junk Food. If I really want a cookie, I will make it myself.
  • Meat or Fish. I happen to prefer not ingesting intestinal flukes and heavy metals. My cutting board also supports this decision.
  • Milk.
  • Most Cereals.
  • Organic Food. Needlessly expensive. I also prefer better living through science to health food hysteria.
  • Pasta. This will make you fat in a hurry.
  • Soda. If I need another addictive and expensive habit, I’ll take up tabletop gaming.