Oh no, Sluggo! What are you doing?! Why are you eating your friend??
Let this serve as a reminder of what happens when you’re poor and not smart enough to cook your own food.
Serves one person. Preparation time about fifteen minutes.
Approximately 430 calories per serving.
Step 1. Add ground soy meat to a bowl. Stir in the Sazon and microwave.
Step 2. Dice vegetables. Add to a separate bowl.
Step 3. Take taco shells out of the box. Or don’t. I haven’t tried using cardboard as a taco shell, but it would surely have less calories.
Step 4. No one actually needs instructions on how to assemble a taco. If you’re really confused, look at the picture on the box of taco shells (assuming you didn’t eat it) and make the taco look like that.
“Foods” not allowed in my household.
The following ingredients are not allowed in my household and certainly not in my cooking:
Good, simple bread recipes:
(Just substitute the milk for almond, cashew, or soy. Works exactly the same.)
One serving from each of these recipes will set you back about 225 calories for the loaves and 188 calories for the naan.
Makes three pizzas. Serves two people. Preparation time about one hour.
Approximately 785 calories per serving.
Step 1. Dice vegetables. Do not use too many or the pizza will become soggy.
Step 2. Assemble pizza ingredients in the following order: baking tray, crust, sauce, cheese, pepperoni, vegetables.
Step 3. Insert pizza into oven at 350-375 degrees F for about 20 minutes.
Step 4. Remove pizza from oven when cheese is melted, vegetables appear dehydrated and crust is crisp.
Step 5. Partition pizza into manageable slices.
Step 7. Add seasonings and hot sauce to taste.
8. Eat pizza. Use a knife and spork like a civilized person.
(Recipe Variant: The Pita-za)
If you don’t have much time, but still really want a pizza, spread pizza toppings on a piece of pita bread and microwave.
Serves two or three humans. Preparation time approximately one hour (not including defrosting the pizza dough).
Half of the stromboli is approximately 1100 calories. Don’t eat it all in one sitting.
Note: Just use a few of these if you don’t want a soggy mess. Calories: considering how many calories you’re eating in bread, I wouldn’t bother calculating this.
Recommended Hot Sauce Options: Tabasco Original, Henry’s African Fatali Hot Sauce, Bowman Brother’s Bourbon Hot Sauce.
Step 1. Defrost pizza dough (or make your own).
Step 2. Stretch pizza dough until it is about 12×12 inches. Place onto baking tray.
Step 3. Glob a layer of pizza sauce onto one side of the sheet of dough.
Step 4. Add a layer of vegan ham to add structural integrity.
Step 5. Apply cheese, other meat ingredients, and sauce in alternating layers until most of the packages of ingredients are used up.
Step 6. Vegetables go on top of the meat and cheese pile.
Step 7. Add red pepper flakes.
Step 8. Take other half of dough sheet and fold it over to make a giant pocket. Seal the edges well by pinching the dough together. Any weaknesses will result in leakage.
Step 9. Score the top of the stromboli with a sharp knife.
Step 10. Sprinkle Italian seasoning on top.
Step 11. Bake at 365 degree F for about half an hour.
Step 12. Remove from oven and slice into six pieces.
Step 13. Serve with hot sauce and garlic powder.
Step 14. Enter food coma.