Side Dish: Butter Rum Acorn Squash

214 calories

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Need a side dish for a Th0xsgiving or SuXmas Tofurkey? Make this for those holidays you spend alone because your family thinks vegetarianism is deranged and probably Satanic.

Serves two peopleor one :'(, with leftovers for tomorrow. Preparation time about one hour, fifteen minutes.

Approximately 214 unholy calories per serving (virgin blood not included).

Materials

  • Bowl, Measuring Cups/Spoons, Spoon, Knife, Baking Pan, Aluminium Foil, Oven
  • 1-1 1/4 Lb Acorn Squash
    + 1 Lb Acorn Squash: 181 calories.
  • 2 Tbsp (Packed) Brown Sugar
    + Domino Brown Sugar, Packed: 45 calories per tbsp.
  • 2 Tbsp Melted Margerine or Butter
    + Earth Balance Butter: 100 calories per tbsp.
  • 1/8 Tsp Ground Cinnamon
    1/8 Tsp Ground Allspice or Nutmeg
  • 2 Tbsp Dark Rum
    + McCormick Imitation Rum Extract: 19 calories per tsp.
    (1-1/2 tsp extract = 1 tbsp dark rum.)

Preparation

Step 1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

Step 2. Butter a 13x9x2 inch glass baking dish (or baking pan you have).

Step 3. Cut the top and bottom off the squash. Disembowel the squash and discard the innards (or offer them to the Dark Lord).

Step 4. Cut squash crosswise into 1/2 thick inch rings, or just halve it because you’re super lazy.

Step 5. Arrange squash rings in the prepared dish so that they overlap slightly.

Step 6. Mix sugar and spices in a small bowl.

Step 7. Sprinkle sugar-spice mixture over the squash, then drizzle the squash with butter and rum.

Step 8. Cover the baking dish with foil and bake the squash for 30 minutes.

Step 9. Remove the squash from the oven. Turn the squash over and bake an additional 15 minutes or until very tender.

Step 10. Serve the squash. Drizzle any juices from the dish onto the final product.

Step 11. Hail Satan.

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Baking: Sugar Cookies

205-325 calories

Serving size depends upon cookie size, especially if you are using cut-outs. Preparation time about one or two hours.

Approximately 203 calories for 1/12 of the recipe (without toppings or nuts). Calories if you eat the whole batch: 2,431.

Additional Nutritional Information (Per Serving)
Carbs 28g, Fat 10g, Protein 2g, Sodium 151mg, Sugar 13g

Materials

  • Bowl, Measuring Cups/Spoons, Spoon, Hand-Mixer, Rolling Pin, Cookie Cutter, Cookie Tray, Oven, Wax Paper (Optional)
  • 2 Cups Flour
    + Generic White All-Purpose Flour: 910 calories for 2 cups.
    + Great Value White All-Purpose Flour: 800 calories for 2 cups.
  • 3/4 Cup Sugar
    + Domino White Sugar: 540 calories for 3/4 cup.
  • 2/3 Cup Margarine or Butter
    + Earth Balance Buttery Sticks: 1,066 calories for 2/3 cup.
  • 1 Tsp Baking Powder
  • 1 Egg’s Worth of Ener-G Egg Replacer (or 1 Egg)
    + Ener-G Egg Replacer: 10 calories for 1 tsp
    (1 egg = 1 1/2 tsp dry Egg Replacer plus 2 tbsp water.)
    + Egg: 70 calories per egg.
  • 1 Tsp Vanilla Extract
    + Alcohol-Based Imitation Vanilla Extract: 10 calories per tsp.
  • 1 Dash Salt

Preparation

Step 1. Mix together wet ingredients in a bowl. You should allow the butter to soften up a bit if you are using refrigerated sticks.

Step 2. Add dry ingredients to the bowl. Add hazelnuts for extra pizazz (and cost).  Blend with a hand-mixer.

Step 3. Wrap the dough in wax paper or shove it in a Ziplock. Place dough in the freezer to chill. You can leave whatever you don’t use in there for a while. How long specifically? I don’t know, take a guess. Probably more than a few days and less than a year.

Step 4. Spread some wax paper on the counter and dust it with flour.

Step 5. Remove the dough from the freezer and roll it with a rolling pin until it’s about 1/4 inch thick.

Step 6. Use a cookie cutter to cut shapes out, or do it the ghetto way and make your cookie circles with an upside-down cup.

Step 7. Combine the dough remnants and repeat Step 6 until you’ve used all the dough.

Step 8. Place cookies on a baking tray. If you line the tray with wax paper first you’ll have less cleaning up to do.

Step 9. Bake cookies in a preheated oven at 375 degrees F for 7-8 minutes or until they are slightly browned at the edges.

Step 10. Allow cookies to cool.

Bonus

Step 11. Sprinkle white sugar on the cookies while they are still warm. Or, after they cool, coat them with frosting. You can use store-bought or make your own.

To make the frosting take 3 cups of powdered sugar and melt in 1/4 cup hot water. Add two tsp light corn syrup and food coloring or almond extract, thus adding about 127 calories to each cookie.

Step 12. Never buy something as basic as sugar cookies from a store ever again.

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Yes, I know they look weird. You know those situations where you have to bring something to a family member you don’t like and who also doesn’t like you, and they know you don’t like them, and you’re too cheap to buy a present so you bake them something but still kinda wanna be a jerk but not TOO much of a jerk? Yeah.

Baking: Blonde Brownies

205 calories

Vegan version of a recipe originally from S’Moore’s Caffe in Augusta, GA.

Serves 24. Preparation time about one hour.

Approximately 205 calories per serving. Calories if you eat the whole batch: 4,917.

Additional Nutritional Information (Per Serving)
Carbs 30g, Fat 10g, Protein 2g, Sodium 63mg, Sugar 20g

Materials

  • 2 Bowls, Mixing Spoon/Whisk, Measuring Cups/Spoons, Baking Pan, Oven, Baking Rack (Optional)
  • 2 Cups All-Purpose Flour
    + Generic White All-Purpose Flour: 910 calories for 2 cups.
  • 1 Tsp Baking Powder
  • 3/4 Tsp Salt
  • 1/4 Tsp Baking Soda
  • 10 Tbsp Earth Balance

Note: If you don’t want to make this vegan, use the same amount (1 1/4 sticks) of unsalted butter.

  • 2 Cups Packed Brown Sugar
    + (Packed) Brown Sugar: 1672 calories for 2 cups.
  • 2 Eggs Worth of Egg Replacer
    + Ener-G Egg Replacer: 30 calories for 3 tsp
    (1 egg = 1 1/2 tsp dry Egg Replacer plus 2 tbsp water.)
    Or, use two actual eggs: 70 calories per egg.
  • 2 Tsp Vanilla Extract
    + Alcohol-Based Imitation Vanilla Extract: 10 calories per tsp.
  • 3/4 Cup Vegan Chocolate Chips
    + Enjoy Life Dairy-Free Mini Chocolate Chips: 638 calories for 4 1/2 oz.
  • 3/4 Cup Chopped Pecans
    + Chopped Pecans: 597 calories for 3 oz.

Note: Only use pecans if you really need to kiss butt. They are freaking expensive.

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Pre-bake (vegetarian–not vegan–walnut blondies)

Preparation

Step 1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Step 2. Butter and flour a 13x9x2 inch baking pan. That’s what the recipe says. I’d just stick them in whatever you have and hope for the best.

Step 3. Mix flour, 1 tsp baking powder, 3/4 tsp salt, and 1/4 tsp baking soda in a medium bowl.

Step 4. Melt margarine (or butter) in a saucepan over low heat (or nuke it in a bowl).

Step 5. Add sugar to margarine and whisk or stir to blend.

Step 6. Add egg replacer (or eggs) and vanilla extract to wet ingredients.

Step 7. Gradually stir in flour mixture. Batter should be thick.

Step 8. Spread batter in baking pan.

Step 9. Sprinkle with chocolate chips and pecans.

Step 10. Bake for 25 minutes, or until toothpick inserted into center comes out with moist crumbs attached.

Step 11. Cover and allow to cool on a wire rack (if you have one).

Step 12. Cut into squares.

Step 13. Can be prepared 1 day in advance. Feed to co-workers or family members while you awkwardly avoid eating them yourself because you know how many calories they represent.

Eat the World: Egypt

If you travel, you’re probably going to have many encounters with the local cuisine. I happen to travel a lot and, back before 2013, Rob Rhinehart hadn’t yet invented Soylent. I was occasionally forced to consume actual food so, naturally, I have a few food-themed pictures from those trips. I guess I might as well start a series about more exotic fare to break up the monotony of my posts about sloppy bachelor cooking.

When visiting Egypt, I recommend limiting yourself to rice, steamed vegetables, and bottled water. Eating meats and raw veggies is a good way to get sick abroad, and many of my travel companions did, indeed, suffer the consequences of gastronomical incompatibility with Egyptian dishes and water.

Even if you don’t partake, market scenes always make for colorful photographs.

 

Light Meals: Chili Dogs

380 calories

Do not, under any circumstances, ever, EVER Google “Sonic the Hedgehog chili dog.”  What is wrong with you people?

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The Contender has a new bull barrel with silhouette sights.

Serves one person.  Preparation time about five minutes.

Approximately 380 patriotic calories per serving.

Materials

  • Bowl, Microwave, Can Opener, Paper Plate
  • 1 Hot Dog Bun
    + Generic White Bun: 110 calories each.
  • 1 Vegan Hot Dog
    + Yves Meatless Vegan Hot Dog: 50 calories each.
  • 1/2 Cup Vegan Chili
    + Amy’s Vegetarian Chili: 140 calories per 1/2 cup.
  • 2 Slices Vegetarian American Cheese
    + Go Veggie American Cheese: 40 calories per slice.
    American cheese is required. I don’t care how bad it tastes. #Trump2016

Preparation

Step 1. Microwave the vegan hot dog for about 45 seconds.

Step 2. Microwave the vegetarian chili for about 45 seconds.

Step 3. Put the vegan hot dog in the hot dog bun.

Step 4. Dump the chili sauce on top of it and add the cheese.

Step 5. Serve the sloppy mess on a paper plate and feel bad about yourself as you try and force it down your gullet.

I hate hot dogs. And Sonic.

Side Dish: Cauliflower Mashed “Potatoes”

125-250 calories

Potatoes.  They have calories.  Specifically, one Idaho potato (438 g) has about 110.  Cauliflower has calories too, at about 25 per 100 g.  Both can be mashed.

To make cauliflower mashed potatoes, you need a pot, a bowl, and a blender (or an arm).  Boil a head’s worth of cauliflower florets in a big pot of water until they are mushy.  Take them out and put them in the blender with a tablespoon of canola oil (120 calories) and some black pepper.  Or, if you’re like me (cheap and hate owning appliances), just toss the boiled florets in a bowl and squish them yourself.

I usually don’t add the oil.  A few times I added mineral oil (0 calories) instead of vegetable oil because the human body cannot digest mineral oil and also because I’m crazy.

That’s all there is to it.  By the way, don’t use mineral oil.  Bad things will happen.

Light Meals: Burgers

550 calories

Another classic gourmet recipe.  Serves one person.  Preparation time approximately fifteen minutes.

About 550 calories for two burgers.

Materials

  • Cutting Board, Skillet or Microwave, Spatula, Knife
  • 2 Hamburger Buns
    + Wegmans White Hamburger Buns: 130 calories per bun.
    When I worked in a certain restaurant, we offered “multi-grain” as a “healthier” alternative to normal bread to customers requesting whole wheat. The multi-grain had more calories. Whole wheat is for lying liars. Do you want to be a liar?
    + Arnold Sandwich Thins: 100 calories per bun.
  • 2 Veggie Burger Patties
    + Boca Veggie Burgers: 70 calories each. Buy the vegan ones if you don’t eat eggs.
    + Nature’s Promise Chipotle Black Bean Vegetable Burger: 130 calories per patty.
  • 2 Slices Vegetarian Cheese
    + Go Veggie American Cheese: 40 calories per slice.
    + Daiya Cheese Slices: 70 calories per slice.
  • Vegetables
    + Lettuce: 8 calories per cup.
    + Tomato: 12 calories for 4 slices.
    + Onion: 20 calories for 50 g.
  • Condiments
    + La Choy Teriyaki Sauce: 10 calories per tbsp.
    + Horseradish Mustard: 30 calories for 10 tsp.

Preparation

Step 1. Microwave the veggie patties. If you are feeling frisky, you can cook them in a skillet with some Teriyaki sauce and black pepper on both sides to de-blandify them. Try to get a light char going.

Step 2. Slice the vegetables thinly so that eating the sandwich doesn’t require unhinging your jaw.

Step 3. Assemble sandwich.

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