Don’t Be This Guy.

Oh no, Sluggo!  What are you doing?!  Why are you eating your friend??

Let this serve as a reminder of what happens when you’re poor and not smart enough to cook your own food.

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Light Meals: Tacos

430 calories

Serves one person.  Preparation time about fifteen minutes.

Approximately 430 calories per serving.

Materials

  • Bowl, Cutting Board, Knife, Microwave
  • 3 Taco Shells
    + Ortega Hard Shell Taco: 180 calories for 3 shells.
  • ~3/4 Cup Vegan Beef
    + Wegman’s Don’t Have a Cow Meatless Beef-Style Crumbles: 130 calories per 3/4 cup.
    + Lightlife Gimmie Lean Vegetarian Ground Beef: 105 calories per 3 oz.
  • Vegetables
    + Lettuce: 8 calories for 85 g.
    + Onion: 20 calories for 50 g.
    + Tomato: 12 calories for 15 g.
    You could also use salsa, obviously, if you like paying 5 bucks for vegetables that cost like 2 dollars a lb.
  • Condiments
    + Daiya Cheddar Flavored Shreds: 45 calories for 2 Tbsp.
    + Ortega Taco Sauce: 20 calories for 2 Tbsp.
    + Vegan Gormet Vegan Sour Cream: 50 calories for 2 Tbsp.
  • Spices
    + Sazon Goya con Culantro y Achote.

Preparation

Step 1. Add ground soy meat to a bowl. Stir in the Sazon and microwave.

Step 2. Dice vegetables. Add to a separate bowl.

Step 3. Take taco shells out of the box. Or don’t. I haven’t tried using cardboard as a taco shell, but it would surely have less calories.

Step 4. No one actually needs instructions on how to assemble a taco. If you’re really confused, look at the picture on the box of taco shells (assuming you didn’t eat it) and make the taco look like that.

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The Ban List

“Foods” not allowed in my household.

The following ingredients are not allowed in my household and certainly not in my cooking:

  • Animal By-Products. This especially pertains to gelatin and lard because both of those make me want to gag. Check your medicine cabinet. Gelatin is sneaky and likes to make its way in there, too.
  • Boxed Cake Mix. It’s cheating.
  • Granola. The least healthy health food ever.
  • Gourmet/Specialty Foods. I eat like the peasant that I am. Always remember what a basal activity eating is, no matter how much you try and dress up the process.
  • High Fructose Corn Syrup. Thanks government subsidies for encouraging the overuse of this filth.
  • Junk Food. If I really want a cookie, I will make it myself.
  • Meat or Fish. I happen to prefer not ingesting intestinal flukes and heavy metals. My cutting board also supports this decision.
  • Milk.
  • Most Cereals.
  • Organic Food. Needlessly expensive. I also prefer better living through science to health food hysteria.
  • Pasta. This will make you fat in a hurry.
  • Soda. If I need another addictive and expensive habit, I’ll take up tabletop gaming.

External Content: Bread Recipes

200-250 calories

Good, simple bread recipes:

http://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/basic-homemade-bread

http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2060/easy-white-bread

(Just substitute the milk for almond, cashew, or soy.  Works exactly the same.)

http://www.food.com/recipe/best-healthy-vegan-indian-naan-or-garlic-naan-bread-258001

One serving from each of these recipes will set you back about 225 calories for the loaves and 188 calories for the naan.

Heavy Meals: Pizza

785 calories

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Makes three pizzas. Serves two people. Preparation time about one hour.

Approximately 785 calories per serving.

Materials

  • Baking Tray, Spatula, Pizza Cutter, Cutting Board, Knife, Oven
    + Utensils: 0 calories.
  • Pizza Crusts
    + 3 Flat Out Thin Crusts: 120 calories per piece. (There are six in a package.)
  • 1 Jar Pizza Sauce
    + Ragu Traditional Pizza Sauce: 270 calories per jar.
  • Vegetarian Pepperoni
    + Yves Vegetarian Cuisine Pepperoni: 160 calories per 1/2 packet.
  • 1 Package Vegetarian Cheese Shreds
    + Daiya Mozzarella or Pepper Jack: 360 calories per 1/2 packet.
    + Go Veggie Vegetarian Mozzarella Shreds: 210 calories per 1/2 packet. (Contains dairy by-products.)
  • Assorted Vegetables
    + Green Bell Pepper
    + Onion
    + Jalapeno Peppers
    + Black Olives
    Total Vegetable Calories: ~25-35.
  • Spices
    + Italian Seasoning
    + Red Pepper Flakes
    + Garlic Powder
  • Sauces
    Recommended Hot Sauce Options: Tabasco Original, Henry’s African Fatali Hot Sauce, Bowman Brother’s Bourbon Hot Sauce.

Preparation

Step 1. Dice vegetables. Do not use too many or the pizza will become soggy.

Step 2. Assemble pizza ingredients in the following order: baking tray, crust, sauce, cheese, pepperoni, vegetables.

Step 3. Insert pizza into oven at 350-375 degrees F for about 20 minutes.

Step 4. Remove pizza from oven when cheese is melted, vegetables appear dehydrated and crust is crisp.

Step 5. Partition pizza into manageable slices.

Step 7. Add seasonings and hot sauce to taste.

8. Eat pizza. Use a knife and spork like a civilized person.

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(Recipe Variant: The Pita-za)
If you don’t have much time, but still really want a pizza, spread pizza toppings on a piece of pita bread and microwave.

Heavy Meals: Stromboli

1100 calories

Serves two or three humans. Preparation time approximately one hour (not including defrosting the pizza dough).

Half of the stromboli is approximately 1100 calories. Don’t eat it all in one sitting.

Materials

  • Baking Tray, Spatula, Cutting Board, Knife, Oven
  • Pizza Dough
    + Giant Pizza Dough Ball: 520 calories for 1/2 ball.
  • 1/2 Jar Pizza Sauce
    + Ragu Traditional Pizza Sauce: 135 calories for 1/2 a jar.
  • 1 Package Vegetarian Cheese Shreds
    + Daiya Mozzarella or Pepper Jack: 360 calories per 1/2 packet.
    + Go Veggie Vegetarian Mozzarella Shreds: 210 calories per 1/2 packet. (Contains dairy by-products.)
  • 1 Package Vegetarian Pepperoni
    + Yves Veggie Cuisine Pepperoni: 160 calories per 1/2 packet.
  • 1 Package Vegetarian Ham
    + Yves Veggie Cuisine Ham: 70 calories for 4 slices.
  • 1 Package Vegetarian Salami
    + Yves Veggie Cuisine Salami: 80 calories for 5 slices.
  • Assorted Vegetables: Green Bell Pepper, Onion, Jalapeno Peppers, or Black Olives

Note: Just use a few of these if you don’t want a soggy mess. Calories: considering how many calories you’re eating in bread, I wouldn’t bother calculating this.

  • Spices (Italian Seasoning, Red Pepper Flakes, Garlic Powder)
  • Sauces

Recommended Hot Sauce Options: Tabasco Original, Henry’s African Fatali Hot Sauce, Bowman Brother’s Bourbon Hot Sauce.

Preparation

Step 1. Defrost pizza dough (or make your own).

Step 2. Stretch pizza dough until it is about 12×12 inches. Place onto baking tray.

Step 3. Glob a layer of pizza sauce onto one side of the sheet of dough.

Step 4. Add a layer of vegan ham to add structural integrity.

Step 5. Apply cheese, other meat ingredients, and sauce in alternating layers until most of the packages of ingredients are used up.

Step 6. Vegetables go on top of the meat and cheese pile.

Step 7. Add red pepper flakes.

Step 8. Take other half of dough sheet and fold it over to make a giant pocket. Seal the edges well by pinching the dough together. Any weaknesses will result in leakage.

Step 9. Score the top of the stromboli with a sharp knife.

Step 10. Sprinkle Italian seasoning on top.

Step 11. Bake at 365 degree F for about half an hour.

Step 12. Remove from oven and slice into six pieces.

Step 13. Serve with hot sauce and garlic powder.

Step 14. Enter food coma.

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Use less dough (as seen here) for a lower-calorie version.