Miscellanea: Mayday Emergency Food Rations

Apparently, government offices are always looking for ways to spend money on stuff they don’t need in order to pad out their budgets.  I’m sure you’re all shocked.  Anyway, one of the ways they do this is by spending your tax dollars on random, useless garbage.  Emergency buckets, for example.  The ProFit brought home some recently-expired food rations from the emergency buckets sitting around the office.


Guise, your typical government employee is pretty well-fed.  I doubt they’re going to need food rations even if they’re stuck in the building for a few days for whatever reason.  What I’m saying is, if the government has to keep ordering extra-wide chairs for their staff to sit in, they’re probably not about starve to death.

Whatever.  Always looking for a replacement for Soylent bars, I agreed to try one of these food blocks.  It seems that preppers and the like put a lot of stock in them, so why not?

Let me tell you why not.

  • These things are supposedly optimized for survival, yet have a shelf life of only a few years.  That’s pathetic.  They aren’t optimized for anything but being purchased by paranoiacs.
  • The smell.  Oh gods, the smell.  You open these things up and choke on the odor.  It’s absolutely revolting.
  • Taste.  Tastes like sour chalk with a hint of sweetness (from the corn syrup, which is exactly what I don’t want to eat tyvm).  It was really hard to choke the square of awfulness down, and I’m not all that particular about taste.
  • Texture.  Just because you need to compress the food into an efficient package and minimize the water content, you can still do something better than “crumbly block in impossible to fit into mouth”, where the “food” ends up as shrapnel scattered all over the kitchen table, floor, your lap, your hair, and (least of all) your stomach.
Not even if I was starving.
  • Nutrition.  If it is going to smell and taste disgusting, it’s at least healthy, right?  Wrong!  It’s missing a lot of vitamins (where are you, molybdenum?) and would be a lousy food replacer.  Basically, you get calories.  Protip: just go eat a chocolate bar instead.
Might as well just eat a granola bar.

Not sure why the U.S. Coast Guard would approve such a thing.  MREs are much better, and they come with that cute tiny bottle of Tabasco.


Side Dish: Vegan Rice Krispies Treats

260 calories

(Post #100)

Preparation Time: About 10 Minutes.

Approximately 256 calories for 1/7 recipe.  Calories in the whole batch: 1,800.

Additional Nutrition Information (Per Serving)
Carbs 40g, Fat 10g, Protein 1g, Sodium 169mg, Sugar 30g

An efficient way to consume a day’s worth of calories in a few minutes.
  1. Melt a big blob (1/2 cup or so) of a margarine (such as Earth Balance) in a saucepan over medium heat and add 1 full bag of Dandies vegan marshmallows.
  2. Dandies will take a while to melt, but grab a wooden spoon and keep stirring until you have a smooth, sticky paste.
  3. Pour in a few cups of rice cereal, but don’t overdo it.  The mix needs some airiness.
  4. Combine well and quickly form the treats by scooping them into a pan or cupcake tins.  Leave them in the pot too long and they will harden too quickly and burn.
  5. It will be very hot, so use the wooden spoon to scoop out the blobs and a second spoon to scrape the stuff off spoon #1.
  6. Don’t “pack” the rice/marshmallow mix into the container or they will be hard and difficult to bite.
  7. Allow to cool on the counter.
  8. Go on a long walk as penance for eating junk food.

Baking: Glazed Vegan Cinnamon Rolls

485 calories

For the unmodified original recipe (i.e. how to make them properly and not the lazy way), go here


Makes 12 cinnamon rolls.  Preparation Time: About three hours.

Approximately 486 calories for 1/12 recipe.  Calories in the whole batch: 5,836.

Additional Nutrition Information (Per Serving)
Carbs 81g, Fat 18g, Protein 4g, Sodium 210mg, Sugar 54g


Mixing Bowls, Measuring Cups/Spoons, Wooden Spoon, Cooking Pot, Rolling Pin, Medium-Sized Square Baking Pan, Wax Paper, and an Oven.


  • 1/2 Cup Warm Water: 0 Calories
  • Approx. 3-1/2 Cups Flour
    + Great Value All-Purpose White Flour: 1,400 calories for 3 1/2 cups.
  • Approx. 3/4 Cup White Sugar: 580 calories
  • 2 Tbsp Light Brown Sugar: 113 calories
  • 2-1/2 Tbsp Powdered Sugar: 25 calories
  • Approx. 1-1/2 Cups Margarine
    + Earth Balance: 1,920 for 1-1/2 cups.
  • 1/2 Cup Nut Milk
    + Silk Unsweetened Vanilla Cashew Milk: 13 calories for 1/2 cup.
  • 1 Tsp Salt
  • 1 Packet of Quick-Rise Yeast: About 21 calories.
  • 1-1/2 Tbsp Cinnamon: 25 calories.
  • Cooking Spray


Step 1. Gather your gun cleaning kit (responsible gun parents always keep their firearms sparkling clean) because baking is boring and you’ll need something to do while the dough rises.


Step 2. Warm the 1/2 cup of water and dissolve 1 tbsp of white sugar in it.  Sprinkle in the packet of yeast.  Let the yeast sit in the bowl for around 7 minutes until foamy.

Step 3. Mix 2 cups of flour in a bowl with 1/2 cup melted margarine, 1/2 cup nut milk, 1/3 cup sugar, and a tsp of salt.  Add the yeast mixture and stir until combined.

Step 4. Add the yeast mixture to the dough along with another 1/2 cup of flour.  Stir until combined.  It will be a sticky mess.

Step 5. Knead in additional flour until the dough is smooth, elastic, and no longer sticky.  You’ll need to add quite a few handfuls.  Spray some cooking spray on to your hands if you want so that it won’t stick to you.

Step 6. Spray a bowl with cooking spray and insert doughball.  Cover with plastic wrap and allow to rise about 1 hour until doubled.  Or, do what I did and make the dough, leave to eat dinner at a restaurant, and get back to the dough at some indeterminate time in the future.

Step 7. Make the pan sauce (see recipe below) and coat the bottom of your baking pan.

Step 8. Wash any gun oil off your hands and lay out some wax paper.  Sprinkle it with a light coating of flour. Roll the dough out with a rolling pin until it seems “big enough.”  The dough sheet should be vaguely rectangular in shape.

Step 9. Butter the surface with 1/4 cup melted margarine.

Step 10. Prepare your spice mix.  Add some cinnamon to some quantity of sugar, about 1-1/2 cinnamon and 1/2 cup sugar.

Step 11. Sprinkle the sugar/spice mix over the buttered surface of the dough until it’s well-coated.  Avoid getting too much of it on the edges.

Step 12. Roll the dough up into a tube.  Start rolling at the shorter side of the rectangle.

Step 13. Cut the dough into 12 pieces.  You might want to cut the ends off and discard them so that all the rolls have nice, flat tops.  Put them in the baking pan spaced slightly apart.

Step 14. Cover the pan with plastic wrap and allow to rise for 45 minutes in the oven with the light on (no heat).  Or, if you’ll be baking them tomorrow, put them in the fridge and take them out up to 18 hours later, then place them in the oven for 20 minutes with the light on, preheat, and proceed to the next step.

Step 15. Bake for about 27 minutes at 350 degrees F and remove when the rolls are golden brown in spots.  When they’re almost finished cooking, start preparing the glaze (see below).

Step 16. Remove the rolls from the oven and allow to cool for 10 minutes.  Glaze or frost the rolls and serve.

Pan Sauce Recipe

  • 1/4 Cup Margarine
  • 2-1/2 Tbsp Brown Sugar

Melt the butter in a pot, add a few spoonfuls of brown sugar.  Stir with a wooden spoon until it thickens.  Coat the bottom of the pan with the resulting syrup.

Glaze Recipe

  • 1/2 Cup Margarine
  • 2-3 Tbsp Powdered Sugar
  • 1 Tsp Vanilla Extract

Melt the butter in a pot, add the vanilla and few spoonfuls of powdered sugar.  The less sugar, the more buttery the flavor.  Cook on high and stir until it becomes thick.  Allow to cool for a couple of minutes, then drizzle on the rolls.


Miscellanea: Mel

My brother, The ProFit, was complaining that no one ever gets to see the fruit of his efforts.   I reminded him that I post everything he does on the internet.

He spent like 15 minutes scraping away at a watermelon before I realized what he was doing.  Then I turn around and see this thing.

Yes, this WAS the best use The ProFit’s valuable time.  Why do you ask?

Boredom is a powerful motivator.

Baking: Leche Flan

300 calories

I recently learned this recipe from my Puerto Rican great aunt.  She’s completely nuts and yells at you if you’re standing idle in the kitchen while she’s cooking, but her culinary skills are on point.


Makes 1 large or several small custards.  Preparation time about an hour and forty-five minutes.

Approximately 292 calories for 1/12 recipe.  Calories in the whole batch: 3,500.

Additional Nutrition Information (Per Serving)
Carbs 41g, Fat 9g, Protein 10g, Sodium 120g, Sugar 41g


Measuring Cups/Spoons, Aluminum Pot, Wooden Spoon, Mixing Bowls, Whisk or Fork, Strainer, Bake-Safe Bowl, and an Oven.


Flan has two main components.  The first is the custard, the second is the layer of caramelized sugar.  They must be prepared separately.

To make the caramelized sugar topping:

  • 1 Cup Granulated White Sugar (774 Calories)
  • About 1/2 Cup Water

Pour the sugar and 1/4 cup water into a high-walled, aluminum pot.  Turn up the heat to high and bring to a boil.  Reduce the heat to medium and allow the sugar to brown.  You can stir occasionally with a wooden spoon or add more water if you need to.  Once the sugar has changed color, pour it in the bowl in which you intend to bake the flan.

Protip: Caramelized sugar is a pain to clean.  Boil some water in the dirtied pot to get the residue off the bottom.

Now you can make the custard.  You need:

  • 2 Cans Evaporated Milk
    + Coburn Farms Evaporated Milk: 960 calories for 24 oz.
  • 1 Can Sweetened Condensed Milk
    + Coburn Farms Sweetened Condensed Milk: 1,300 calories for 14 oz.
  • 6 Eggs (70 calories each.)
  • 1-2 Tsp Vanilla Extract
  • 1/2 Tsp Salt

Crack the eggs in a bowl and beat them with a fork.  Place a strainer over a mixing bowl and pour the egg slime into it to remove the fetus nubs (or whatever those stringy bits are).  Add the milk, vanilla, and a dash of salt.  Combine well and pour into the bake-safe, caramel-coated bowl.


Bake the flan for about 1 hour and 15 minutes at 350 degrees F.  Flip the contents of the bowl onto a plate and allow to cool.  Serve warm, or refrigerate for a few hours and serve cold.  Don’t forget to drizzle the slices with the sugar syrup.