Miscellanea: Mayday Emergency Food Rations

Apparently, government offices are always looking for ways to spend money on stuff they don’t need in order to pad out their budgets.  I’m sure you’re all shocked.  Anyway, one of the ways they do this is by spending your tax dollars on random, useless garbage.  Emergency buckets, for example.  The ProFit brought home some recently-expired food rations from the emergency buckets sitting around the office.

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Guise, your typical government employee is pretty well-fed.  I doubt they’re going to need food rations even if they’re stuck in the building for a few days for whatever reason.  What I’m saying is, if the government has to keep ordering extra-wide chairs for their staff to sit in, they’re probably not about starve to death.

Whatever.  Always looking for a replacement for Soylent bars, I agreed to try one of these food blocks.  It seems that preppers and the like put a lot of stock in them, so why not?

Let me tell you why not.

  • These things are supposedly optimized for survival, yet have a shelf life of only a few years.  That’s pathetic.  They aren’t optimized for anything but being purchased by paranoiacs.
  • The smell.  Oh gods, the smell.  You open these things up and choke on the odor.  It’s absolutely revolting.
  • Taste.  Tastes like sour chalk with a hint of sweetness (from the corn syrup, which is exactly what I don’t want to eat tyvm).  It was really hard to choke the square of awfulness down, and I’m not all that particular about taste.
  • Texture.  Just because you need to compress the food into an efficient package and minimize the water content, you can still do something better than “crumbly block in impossible to fit into mouth”, where the “food” ends up as shrapnel scattered all over the kitchen table, floor, your lap, your hair, and (least of all) your stomach.
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Not even if I was starving.
  • Nutrition.  If it is going to smell and taste disgusting, it’s at least healthy, right?  Wrong!  It’s missing a lot of vitamins (where are you, molybdenum?) and would be a lousy food replacer.  Basically, you get calories.  Protip: just go eat a chocolate bar instead.
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Might as well just eat a granola bar.

Not sure why the U.S. Coast Guard would approve such a thing.  MREs are much better, and they come with that cute tiny bottle of Tabasco.

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Miscellanea: The Future is Now

20170505_220642Tuna was the last meat I gave up when I decided to become a vegetarian ten years ago.  Back in my day, all we vegetarians had were actual vegetables, soy milk, and the occasional Boca Burger.  Now, they sell vegan tuna salad in grocery stores.  I hope all you young people appreciate having access to modern conveniences like vegan tuna salad, NoSalt, and toilet paper.

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Get the hell off my lawn.

 

Miscellanea: I <3 GMOs

(But only plants)

Now, THIS is a strawberry.  Sprinkle on a little non-calorie sugar made in a laboratory on that freakishly large berry and we have a deal!

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Is this real life?

I can’t wait until they grow them the size of my head.

That being said, genetically modifying animals to optimize them for eating…not cool. Google “Deep Pectoral Myopathy” sometime.

Miscellanea: Cheese Macronutrient Profiles

“No one has as many friends as the the man with many cheeses.”

fromageAs a software engineering grad student, I get a lot of homework assignments that involve building webpages.

This assignment was to build a data viz. I spent hours making it, so someone besides the TA better look at this thing. Who knows, you might learn something about cheese. I used the C3.js library for the charts.

Cheese Me!

* No, gorgombert is not an actual cheese (though the nutritional information presented is based on mozzarella). Play Divinity: Original Sin sometime–it’s great.

Miscellanea: The Xmas Pasta

Merry January

What do you do with that tub of Tofutti ricotta cheese you bought, hated, but can’t throw away because it’s technically “edible” and you’re broke; and that bag of Christmas pasta that a friend gave you for the holidays that you feel increasingly anxious to eat because it seems somehow wrong to eat things shaped like Xmas trees when the stores are now pink with Valentines Day offerings and you’re really weird about food like that?

I really need to stop over-thinking everything.

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The problem with Xmas pasta is that, by the time you get around to eating it, it’s almost February.

I do have a solution, and it isn’t addressing any underlying psychological issues: Xmas pasta alfredo with sauteed zucchini!  The ProFit came up with the idea.  He dumped a metric ton of Go Veggie Parmesan into the mix to mask the paint thinner-esque Tofutti flavor.  The clumpy sauce wasn’t pretty, but it tasted way better than it had any right to taste. Like, it was really freaken good.

My brother is the King of Bachelor Cooking.  I know this because he once ate a bowl of flour/water paste, just because he had leftover flour and didn’t know what else to do with it.