Having recently moved out of the big city to a small town in the middle of nowhere (no, I don’t miss city life at all), The ProFit and I have finally had a chance to start growing our own food–thus being one step closer to self-sufficiency.
I guess taking credit for anything that comes out of the berry patch is technically cheating, since they were already there, but I did pick them.
SO, how do they compare to the store-bought, GMOWTFBBQ version? The answer is: they taste exactly the same, but they’re microscopic. The price tag for these, however, is hard to beat.
The wild onions growing on our property, on the other hand, are excellent.
Sometimes you make Valentine’s Day cookies for someone, but they have to cancel, and now you’re sitting by yourself with a giant pile of cookies and no idea what to do with them.
Sometimes I feel like my brother and I eat too healthy. I think we better go to McDonald’s tomorrow to balance things out.
I just want everyone to see how beautiful my vegan pizzas are. This is why I won’t eat anything from Papa Johns & co. It’s like comparing the Sistine Chapel with a bunch of doodles a bored high schooler scribbled in the margins of their math homework.
All right, that’s enough looking for you lot. Move along.
Apparently, government offices are always looking for ways to spend money on stuff they don’t need in order to pad out their budgets. I’m sure you’re all shocked. Anyway, one of the ways they do this is by spending your tax dollars on random, useless garbage. Emergency buckets, for example. The ProFit brought home some recently-expired food rations from the emergency buckets sitting around the office.
Guise, your typical government employee is pretty well-fed. I doubt they’re going to need food rations even if they’re stuck in the building for a few days for whatever reason. What I’m saying is, if the government has to keep ordering extra-wide chairs for their staff to sit in, they’re probably not about starve to death.
Whatever. Always looking for a replacement for Soylent bars, I agreed to try one of these food blocks. It seems that preppers and the like put a lot of stock in them, so why not?
Let me tell you why not.
- These things are supposedly optimized for survival, yet have a shelf life of only a few years. That’s pathetic. They aren’t optimized for anything but being purchased by paranoiacs.
- The smell. Oh gods, the smell. You open these things up and choke on the odor. It’s absolutely revolting.
- Taste. Tastes like sour chalk with a hint of sweetness (from the corn syrup, which is exactly what I don’t want to eat tyvm). It was really hard to choke the square of awfulness down, and I’m not all that particular about taste.
- Texture. Just because you need to compress the food into an efficient package and minimize the water content, you can still do something better than “crumbly block in impossible to fit into mouth”, where the “food” ends up as shrapnel scattered all over the kitchen table, floor, your lap, your hair, and (least of all) your stomach.
- Nutrition. If it is going to smell and taste disgusting, it’s at least healthy, right? Wrong! It’s missing a lot of vitamins (where are you, molybdenum?) and would be a lousy food replacer. Basically, you get calories. Protip: just go eat a chocolate bar instead.
Not sure why the U.S. Coast Guard would approve such a thing. MREs are much better, and they come with that cute tiny bottle of Tabasco.